In the End…it mattered.

Aubrey,

I never thought that things would end this way. I would much rather have talked to you and see if we could salvage a friendship. I understand the lack of trust that you had for me. You have a lot of trauma and hauntings, many that are caused by a society that is hostile to you. I understand them and where they come from. However, I also feel unfairly projected onto.  I know that it would have been unfair to ask you for more trust or to give any more chances to Lizz than you already have, unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact that I needed that to continue. And, that metamore  relationship is important to me. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t like Jacob.

You have grown a lot in our relationship and I hope you feel that way about me too. I also hope that as you have, you continue to seek out health mentally. I know your counselor is not great, but I hope that you can find someone who helps you wrestle with your internal voices and the social ones…that only seem to be getting louder. I love you and I care about you, if you should one day choose to be friends, I will be here waiting.

Love,

Ichyko

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In the End…it mattered.

Learning Curve

OD: 9:03

Miss, being with you was like my fourth year in my undergraduate program. I went into that year feeling like I knew so much and yet, the more that I learned, I was overwhelmed by the amount of things that I did not know. The more I learn about you and us, the more that I feel like I am uncovering the surface of an iceberg or peeling back the first layer of an onion.

The more I learn about you and your quirks, I learn that I have to still learn and develop the skills to accommodate them. I now know that once a month there will be a time where you are overcome with emotions and that I need to be especially sensitive in this time. However, I have to learn to be sensitive. I am developing more of an awareness of myself through you. I am becoming aware of my current limitations and where I can push past them and develop other skills.

I have learned that we are both anxious people. We are very much like playing a game of minesweeper. Every move there is a possibility of setting each other off, but if we move with care and respect, we do really well. It is just hard to do in every moment but by learning to do this in as many moments as is possible, we are being better selves.

We are both hurt in many of the same ways and therefore have some of the same desires and coping strategies. Although its bad to have the negative things in common in a relationship, we also have the good things in common. Despite being victims of rape and sexual assault many times over, we are resilient. Despite the pain of our parentage, we are loving, kind, and compassionate. We both do not let our past define us. We know that it shapes us, but we do not let it make the mold for our future.

Together, we are loving people who encourage each other to grow by practicing mindful love and compassion. We talk through, even if it involves Jacob, our pain because we love each other enough to recognize when we need help. We do not let our struggles define us.

OR: 10: 27

Love,

Ichy

Learning Curve

Puppy Play

OD: 6:47

I think that naming a quantity for the amount of time that I would like to do puppy play is difficult. I think that pup play runs throughout our dynamic even when we are not specifically doing puppy play. You call me pup or Ichy all of the time. I also enjoy lots of cuddles, snugs, and scratches. At times, when you lead me around on a leash or pull me by the hair, I also feel like this errs on the side of puppy play. So, to try to answer the question of how much puppy play I want to do, it is hard to answer because I feel like we do it all of time but not. I think what you mean to ask is how much time would I like to be in pupspace, like rolling around and playing.

Still, I have no answer. I think if we were to say hang out for one day a week, I would like to spend at least 30 minutes in pupspace with you. It doesn’t always have to be training, but I would like to come into my own bark and be trained to behave and perform well in that space. I really do aspire to be a really good pup and hope that we can win in next year’s competition.

I really enjoy the idea of being pup and getting the love and guidance from a space of innocence and not having to think too much about what I’m doing…I like that it is free-spirited and more fun than anything else. Slave training can be intense and puppy play is a nice break. I want to play and see if you enjoy playing with me, fetch and teaching me tricks. I want to take photos and pose with you. I want to compete with you. I feel like there is a pride in having well behaved and well liked pup that I feel is more accessible than that of a slave.

OR: 12:09

Love,

Ichy

Puppy Play

Purge

OD: —

Cupcake’s scene brought up a lot of conflicting emotions because it was overtly “non-consensual” looking and featured a lot of really intense edge play. Firstly, I am not a fan of the Purge theme because of the class and race issues associated with the film. I think the film critiques issues of inequality, but I am uncomfortable with the idea of being in an audience being interpellated as those that need to “purge and purify.” The audience then becomes complicit in “horrific acts of violence.” Of course, this is play play and not for realsies but I still wasn’t a fan. Perhaps, I take this too seriously but the theme bothered me.

Secondly, I experienced a bit of cognitive dissonance by being both complicit in watching and feeling upset by the way that sexual violence was on display in a sexy way. For instance, have you ever watched a movie that takes a rape scene and makes it really sexual? I have watched this kind of scene and I end up feeling super weird because I am turned on by the sexual violence. I feel like these kinds of scenes have become partially complicit in perpetuating our rape culture. In this instance, I was not turned on by the scene but I worried if other people were. Mostly, those that are the “tourist” types and do not fully understand the issues of consent and communication within this kind of play.

All of that said, I thought that Cupcake did a  good job and although I missed this narrative, I am glad that they turned the narrative around and made her a socialite rather than someone who was poor. She was fantastic; I didn’t feel like her performance was over-dramatic. It was interesting to see all of the edge play  in that scene and then witness Cupcake processing her scene. I tried to walk over to her but the man sitting next to her, even though I thought at the time that he wasn’t supporting, I realize now that he was giving her space. I enjoy seeing these kinds of aftercare because I feel reassured that people around me are acting safely responsibly.

OR: —

Love,

Ichy

 

 

Purge

More on Slavery

OD: 9:37

I do not feel like a slave because I do not feel like I am available enough, based on our competing schedules. I feel like a slave would have more availability and do more things. I feel like I do a lot sometimes but then I do little, it’s sporadic. There isn’t a consistency to the expectations of service and it is hard to have consistency in our situation. To me, being a slave means being constantly available and having solid expectations for service. It also means being completely under the control of another person. I never thought that I would be a slave and even now, I am not sure that I qualify as one…though I try.

Exploring this dynamic does not feel taboo to me because I would have to have engrained in me the cultural expectations of normalcy. Like today, I saw an episode of “My Strange Addiction” and it was a pony play person paired with a person who eats paint. I thought the paint person was weird and the pony play person wasn’t. I do not think that slave is an appropriate title for me within our dynamic, but I am not sure how to categorize myself.

The title of worshipper seems more appropriate than the title: slave. It seems more fitting since everything I do, whether I enjoy it or not, is in admiration of you. The advantages of this new title are that I won’t feel inadequate for not performing as you would like based on my title. The only disadvantage is that I do not know what this means for our relationship.

OD: 12:32

Love,

Ichy

More on Slavery

The Journey

OD: 8:12

I feel like my role as a slave is limited by my time. I assume that weekends are Jacob’s and only having Monday through Wednesday is tough. I am open to doing more and would gladly do what I am asked. I will also be asking more frequently if there is anything I can do. I think this may be one of the reasons that I have feelings of inadequacy. I know that there is more that I can be doing as your slave, but I also get so little time with you. I enjoy pampering you and organizing; I hope cleaning can be a thing too. I like doing things that I know will make you happy and make life easier for you. I hope that you may even look at them and remember me when you see them. Part of me feels inadequate though because I know I can be doing more and yet, I am also afraid of doing more because I am scared that it will be too much to handle. It would be helpful to talk about what you hope our dynamic will feasibly look like.

 

As your slave Miss, I feel honored. I am lucky to be able to serve someone as beautiful and intelligent as yourself. You make me feel validated in a number of ways and I feel like I am improving myself through your guidance. When others see me in this role, I am honored  to be seen serving you and know that I look good doing so because you always see to that. I feel owned in your presence and when you are away because of my daily routines, that center you in my life. I love starting the day by texting you. I’ve also enjoyed when you had me sleep in restraints, I felt very owned then. I just want to work harder for you Miss and grow in my servitude.

I am happy as your slave and will feel confident and assured in that position as we talk more and come to understand each other.

Love,

Ichy

 

 

 

The Journey